Today is the birthday of my good friend Sofia. We met a few years ago in Puerto Rico on set of a major film production. Fast forward 6 or 7 months, and she was crazy enough to join me on a Eurotrip with a week’s notice. Over the past couple of weeks I have been re reading my journal from this time. I was going through a break up, experiencing a strange new love, and working on my first episodic script about a subject matter that was incredibly tender to me—sexual assault and trauma. In my journey through my own past, it became clear to me how much pressure I put on myself to exist in a state of perfection or productivity or lightness or purposefulness at all times.
This comes full circle now for many reasons. I will start with this:
On Cycles
Last week I had what my long-time friend coined a “Reva-lation”. Through the assistance of some great astrological guidance, stopping my usage of a medication that was messing with my natural rhythms and mental health, and a great conversation with my therapist, I realized that there are different ways to organize your life that are not arbitrarily synced with the gregorian calendar or capitalism’s valuations of progress. I am a planner—organizing and imagining brings me a sickening amount of joy, and the realization that I could use my own natural cycles to plan my life was a truly liberatory one. Instead of splitting up the year by seasons, or by quarters, or my months, I can align myself with the energies mapped out for my specific body (aka how will the universe and my body be interacting on certain dates, and how can I work with those time periods rather than against them?)
As I re-read my old journals, it became clear to me how much I was trying to force my irregular shape into a very rigid square hole. I was stressed and frustrated because what I really needed was to slow down, listen to my body, remove any deadlines, timelines, or due dates from my brain, and just exist, but I refused to allow myself to do so. I was so convinced of this idea that something was wrong with me because I was tired, having difficulty focussing and maintaining routines that usually served me, the list goes on. I reach back into time and offer my past self, compassion. I want her to know that exhaustion is not my body failing, it is my body asking me to listen, to slow down, to recognize that this is a part of my natural cycle—having periods of pause, reflection, meditation, that is. There is nothing wrong with this, in fact, it is essential to my journey as a human-spirit being.
I recall that at the time, Sofia was able to be incredibly present. She took each day as it came and enjoyed it fully. We complimented each other in that way. I was able to do these very deep dives—pick apart, analyze, and get to the root of things, while she was able to see things as they were, feel their textures, and embrace the sensations that they brought. I remember us both experiencing frustration. She, wishing that I could just be present, let loose a little bit, and have some fun—Me, wishing she could dive deep with me, engage me in some existential thought and questioning. We worked together and we found some medium grounds. On her birthday I feel grateful for the lessons she has brought me throughout our friendship.
“Bologna—>Rome 9.26 (2018)
On the way to Roma after a few peaceful and beautiful days in the countryside of Fontanelice… I know that my journey is not yet complete. I am not sure where it is carrying me yet. Or what is all means. Sofia says this is the point”.
I re-read this now, and know that I did not then fully process and understand what she meant. A full-circle moment came to me last Friday in therapy when my therapist reminded me that as I dive deep into these spiritual inquiries, and go into full research mode, that I do not need to expect some big answer—the answer, she said. I can instead, welcome an answer. And I can know that the journey itself is an answer. This is what Sofia had been trying to tell me. Yes of course, it sounds so cliche. “It’s not the destination that matters, it’s the journey”, but there is so much truth in this. Ultimately, as humans, there is infinite learning available to us because there are infinite things we were simply not meant to understand in these human forms. There are things that are meant for the other realms. And yet, the pursuit of knowledge is a sacred one. The pursuit of knowledge leads us on incredibly rich, sacred, spiritual journey’s towards uncovering meaning.
I used to feel discouraged because I desired some incredible revelation that would change my life forever—that would allow me to see things “as they are”, and never lose that focus and clarity ever again. As if there was some sort of pure enlightenment that could remove you from the inevitability of the human experience. The revelation that I experience now, is that “revelation” is a natural part of the cycle (or mine at least)—especially if you let it be. I feel grateful for this new understanding of my own cycles. It removes some of the existentialism from my frequent existential crisis’. I think now that maybe they are not existential crisis’ at all. Maybe, they are just my spirit on its journey, thirsty for knowledge, willing to dive deep and look for answers. And this doesn't have to create panic or fear. Instead, if I welcome it, I can be awestruck by it. I can be curious about what is revealing itself to me slowly and over time, rather than be anxious about “what it will mean”.
On Nomadism
Honey & Smoke has just started off its fourth season on the “Nomadic”. The central questions of which ask our community to get curious about the ways that borders operate in our lives…to get curious about our ideas of belonging…our allegiances…to get curious about movement, and the ways we are inherently connected across time and space. As the dots connect in this current moment of my natural cycle, I realize that I am already in my own process of answering these questions. 2020 was the longest I’ve been in one country in ages. The pandemic really asked me to go deeper into the why that has driven my constant need for motion, and for that I am grateful.
In slowing down here, and re-reading old travel notebooks, I see that my travels have permitted me to go deeper into my life’s desire to inquire and uncover sacred knowledge. I did not know that this is what I was doing. It was happening so naturally. I felt an urge to go someplace, to spend time there in a certain way, and I listened. I feel that there is a deep ancestral healing in my ability to move freely through space. My ancestors on both sides of my lineage moved for survival. On my father’s side, first as a result of the transatlantic slave trade, but then generations later, out of my father’s desire to expand his life beyond what was available to him in Brazil. He desired to create new rhythms for our lineage. On my mother’s side, generations of persecution of Jews turned my family into nomads. There is an anxiety about travel that lies deep within my bones, but I feel that perhaps my ancestors have pulled up behind me to encourage me on my journey. We know deeply that there is a level of spiritual ascension that comes when you are able to let go of things that are dear to you, and welcome in new things. We know this because we were forced to do it in order to survive. I am privileged enough to do so by choice, by nature of a deep internal calling.
Nomadism to me has been incredibly permission-giving and eye-opening. It has allowed me to understand myself within a larger field. I am not one thing. I am a layered mess of beautiful intersecting shapes. And I know that we are all this way because when I travel, meet new people and learn from their experiences, I notice that, though the worlds we come from and our day to day realities may be as different as oil and water, there is a tenderness in the fact that we are all breathing creatures sharing the surface of this magnificent (and mistreated) earth. That is to say, we come from the same source energy. We have so much to learn from one another.
I am grateful beyond words for the life that I have been born into. For the lineages that I carry with me. For the work that I get to do to uncover lost treasures from my family’s past (by way of spirituality, of curiosity and learning, of self-awareness and discovery). What a blessing that I get to be experimental, and dive deep into worlds of infinite knowledge. What a blessing that I get to be a source of healing, a connector, and an interpreter. What a privilege that I have been able to learn these creative tools to receive and translate messages, to help other folks see the beautiful connections and differences that exist among us.
I don’t know if I was able to properly convey this feeling of wholeness, brought on by a pleasant sensation of emptiness, followed by a long, tunnel period of feeling incredibly lost, but I know that I had to try.
My wish for you is that you are able to take some time to consider your own natural cycles. To notice your ways of being that feel as natural as breathing, and to honor them as best as you can. My hope is that we can learn to support these natural rhythms within our social structures and our communities. We all deserve to feel the sweetness of connection and the peace that comes with accepting each moment as it is, and knowing that each moment carries a lesson for us if we will let it.